Friday, March 1, 2013

2013 Bible Oscar Awards

Now that the Oscars are finished, we can all stop pretending we know about these random movies that no one has even heard of with unknown characters and unbelievable plot lines – like Lincoln.

Seriously, what an odd name for a fictional president and who would actually believe that an actor could kill the president? Next, you are going to tell me that an actor could someday be the president. Just crazy stuff.

But what if the Academy of Biblical Scholars gave out their own "Academy Awards" for Bible characters like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science hand out the Oscars?

First, there would actually have to be an Academy of Biblical Scholars, but that's only a minor setback because I've got a Bible and I just graduated with a Master of Divinity degree. That should be all I need to declare myself the President of the new Academy of Biblical Scholars, right?

So, as President of the prestigious Academy of Biblical Scholars, I'd like to welcome you to the most highly anticipated awards blog since ... the last most highly anticipated awards blog – the 2013 Bible Oscar Award Show.

Here are your winners.

Sometimes, the Bible Oscar red carpet can get a bit chaotic ... and idolatrous.

Best Actor: David 

Slobbering, insane King David in Dude, Where's My Kingdom (1 Samuel 21:10-15)

"I wasn't sure I would ever receive this award as I was mostly known for my work as an action hero in Facing The Giant and a comedian with my friend Jonathan in the buddy film So, Your Dad Is Trying to Kill Me.

The only way for me to break out of that type cast was to go completely off the wall, so I knew this role was the opportunity of a lifetime. It was also the only way to extend my lifetime, so there's also that. But anyway, thanks Academy for finally recognizing my work! And Jack Palance, your one-armed push-ups don't impress me."

Best Actress: Tamar

Widow turned prostitute turned royal ancestor in Pretty Widow (Genesis 38)

"After not being recognized for There's Something About MiriamMy Best Friend's Bar MitzvahWhen Habakkuk Met Salome, Big Fat Hebrew Wedding and Sleepless in Shiloh, I never thought I could garner any attention for awards in romantic comedies. But here I am on stage with this statue in my hands. I can't believe it. You like me! You really like me! I mean after the way my father-in-law and previous two husbands treated me, I was worried a bit that that no one actually did like me."

Best Director: Moses

Leading man leading the people of out Israel, director of Planes, Trains and Auto-fitting Sandals (Exodus, um ... the whole book)

Hey James Cameron! Who's the king of the world now?
*Slams staff down, splitting the entire auditorium in half* "Take that Roberto Benigni! I didn't walk over the seats. I walked through them. Seriously, I would like to thank all the members of the Academy for this great honor. I feel like this somewhat makes up for Cecil B. Demille and the Ten Commandments being robbed in the 1957 Oscars.

Having led an extremely ungrateful assortment of people to the promised land should provide me with great preparation should I ever hope to host the film version of the Oscars, since the entire audience is full of people complaining about what they didn't get and way too eager to bow down before a gold statue."

Awards received earlier

These aren't shown live because let's be honest: these aren't like real Oscars. These are just pretend Oscars that no one ever gets to see or care about.

Best Song: David for The Harpist – He had so many songs, he was the only one nominated.

Best Editing: Paul's amanuensis for Fear and Loathing in Jerusalem – Seriously, we all know pastors are long winded, but he was able to keep Paul's letter concise.

Best Supporting Actress: Jarius' daughter for Back To The Living II – The Oscar always has to go to the really young girl or the really old lady for this award.

Best Supporting Actor: Methuselah for Extremely Old School – See above.

Best Screenplay: Jesus for Good Will Healing – Nobody saw the twists coming in The Good Samaritan or The Prodigal Son.

Who was snubbed? Who didn't deserve their award? What award should have been given? Who looked the worst on the red goatskin carpet? 

Here's your chance to sound-off on the 2013 Bible Oscar Awards Show after-party, wrap-up extravaganza, also known as the comment section.

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