Top 5 ways to recycle your busted NCAA bracket

Be honest. Your bracket is already done, isn't it?

You stared at the brackets, broke down all the stats and just knew this year was going to be the year you picked all the winners and nailed all the upsets, but after one day your dreams of bracket domination are over before they even had a chance to begin.

Harvard wasn't content with being Harvard. They had to be Harvard: Destroyer of All Bracket Hopes.

You don't even want to look at your office pool standings because you know you are behind that lady who chooses teams with the cutest mascot and best dressed coach.

She said she picked Cal because that was the nickname of Calvin, her boyfriend in high school. You don't know Calvin, but now you hate him.

It hurts, doesn't it? But you can turn that hurt into help. Why not use your now worthless bracket to bring some good into this world? Here are the top 5 ways to recycle your busted NCAA bracket.

5. Send it to needy countries - Relief organizations always take the t-shirts of the team that loses in the championship game, couldn't they use the paper from your bracket?

Maybe some tiny island nation is having a paper shortage and your donation of the Pittsburgh Elite Eight bracket will provide the sheet of paper they need to save their economy and start printing paper money.

Just think, your embarrassingly bad bracket selections will be immortalized in their first dollar bill. The citizens will think "Oklahoma Sweet Sixteen" is their national treasurer.

4. Make the world's greatest airplane - There's always time for a great paper airplane. Not long ago, a paper airplane was thrown 226 feet for a new world record. You can beat that!

Laying around beside you are all those blown-up brackets. Use them to start working on your craft, so that you, too can achieve some meaningless record.

Once you break that record, you can actually look back and be thankful you picked Belmont over Arizona as your upset special.

3. Use it as decorative gift wrap - All those lines and angles. The neat patterns the bracket makes. It's perfect for a birthday presents.

Bonus points if you can fold it so number 1 seed Louisville and the other team names in the Midwest bracket spell "Happy Birthday Lou!" Well, bonus points if the present actually belongs to someone named Lou.

If you don't know anyone named Lou, see if you can hire a random person as your "Butler" and give them the gift.

2. Write a love poem to your wife - She's upset that you ignore her every March. She joined the Facebook group that my wife wanted to start "March Madness Widows."

You spent every moment since Selection Sunday digging into the numbers, finding all the obscure stats and you just knew that the Akron Zips would make a historic run to the Final Four. The numbers lied apparently, but that sigh your wife gave as she looked at you and went to bed didn't lie.

Use the back of your bracket to write down a string of words that include what you are feeling besides "hungry." Talk about how beautiful she is and how nice her hair looked today. Yes, they will give you the benefit of the doubt with the effort.

1. Dry the tears from your eyes - Your chance at a million dollar perfect bracket is gone. Even your shot at the bag of fun size Snickers at work is done. (One of these years, you're going to beat the cute mascot/best dressed coach lady! She even picked Colorado State because she's "always wanted to go skiing there.")

No one is looking, right now. Shed your tears, then use the bracket to wipe them all from your eyes. It's one thing to make your wife angry. It's a completely different thing to let her (and your friends) see you crying because Harvard was too smart for New Mexico, your dark horse Final Four team.

Why, Harvard, why? What did I ever do to you?!? OK, I swear I'm not crying. I've got something in my eyes. My allergies are flaring up. My eyes are sweating. ... I'm just going to go to my room for a second.

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If you've only got a bracket online and not one printed out, I can't help you. You are on your own. Think about how you can save the pixels you wasted, along with the server space for ESPN. 

If you actually have a busted paper bracket, what are some other ways to put it to use ... besides wadding it up and throwing it across your office when you hear mascot lady talk about her "perfect March Mayhem baseball bracket thingy"?

This is an edited repost.

Top 10 reasons I'm not the new pope

When I saw the white smoke ascending from the chimney in the Vatican, two thoughts ran through my mind. One, I'm glad the cardinals were basketball fans and wanted to finish up before the NCAA tournament started. Two, there goes yet another job I can't get.

Yes, I realize I'm a Baptist and the pope has to be Catholic, but I thought my resume warranted a bit of a leeway on that requirement. I have a theological degree. I wasn't a cardinal myself, but I cheered for my son's tee-ball team named the Cardinals. I've been to a Catholic church.

Also, the conclave did seem to think my suggestion of "Casual Friday" was something they could get behind. One day out of the week to put down the robe, hat and all the stuffiness of the official wardrobe and relax in some sweatpants, flip-flops, t-shirt and a trucker hat turned backwards. OK, maybe not the trucker hat.

Despite all my strong points, I started to wonder how really open they were to my election as Pope Luther I when the conclave all rolled their eyes, while calling for security, after I asked if I could put spinner rims on the pope-mobile.

Before I left, I asked if they could give me one good reasons why I should not be the Bishop of Rome. Shockingly enough, they gave me the top 10 reasons I'm not the new pope.

Sure, Pope Francis can have wings on his outfit, but pope-mobile spinner rims was
"pushing it too far?" I don't think so. Photo Alessandro Bianchi / Reuters

Top 10 reasons I'm not the new pope

10. I enjoy being married, so there's that.

9. You try to get the papal conclave to do one little Harlem Shake video and everybody goes all crazy. I thought viral hit, but with the age of most of the cardinals, they thought violent hip.

8. The only Latin I can speak is of the pig variety. "An-cay I ear-way the ool-cay at-hay?"

7. One too many Manti Te'o jokes. Plus, I said Notre Dame was overrated.

6. I made a campaign promise to immediately issue a papal bull banning men's skinny jeans. Apparently, some of the cardinals are hipsters. Who knew?

5. They didn't seem to like my idea of using a March Madness style elimination tournament to determine who would be declared a saint.

4. They thought it was pushing it that I wanted to use my papal powers to demand baseball expand instant replay and remove the designated hitter.

3. I asked about changing up the wafers and wine in the eucharist to Snickers and Mountain Dew. I was even willing to allow Diet Dew for those seeking to lose a few pounds, but don't ask for the Snickers Peanut Butter Squares. That's just blasphemous.

2. My first order of business was going to be to declare as infallible church doctrine (ex cathedra) that yes, a tree falling in the woods does make a sound and it's stupid to even ask the question. Disagree? Excommunicated.

1. I requested that, instead of white smoke, they would announce my election via an Instagram photo of me trying to get in all the papal regalia with the caption "Popin' ain't easy."

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What reason kept you from being elected as the leader of the Catholic Church at the most recent papal conclave? Unless, of course, you were elected Pope. In that case, welcome Pope Francis, I hope you possess a sense of humor as much as you seem to possess a sense of humility.

Just to break the joke for a moment and be serious, my thoughts as a Baptist echo those of Dr. Russell Moore. While I will continue to disagree with Roman Catholics over numerous theological reasons, I can be thankful for the contributions of the previous Pope and be in prayer for the current one.

Godly guilt gifts: story Bibles for kids that can't read

Every church I have ever been a member of prides itself on giving presents to kids for their accomplishments.

It could be for a plethora (who doesn't love the word "plethora") of events: baptism, kindergarten graduation, finishing Sword drill, potty training. Well, maybe the parents get the prize for the last one.

But what always makes me laugh is that when some baby or toddler is "dedicated to the Lord," the baby always gets a present. The best part is that almost always, the present is some kind of storybook Bible.

"Didn't you promise the whole church to read me my Bible?"

Who started this tradition, Thomas Nelson himself or whoever had the misfortune of being named Zondervan?

For starters, the baby will have no recollection of the event or their gift, outside of being able to look back at the photos and videos of the all different relatives in the audience.

Their only "memory" will be from the shaky, grainy video Aunt Linda took with her cell phone and the photos Uncle Bob shot, including the one of his face because he had his new camera turned the wrong way and the one with his finger in front of the lens.

Secondly, the baby can't read. Well, unless the baby is one of those kids from the "Your Baby Can Read" commercials. If that's the case, hopefully you've already bought them some kind of Bible.

Shame on you if you paid big money to get some flash card system to teach your tiny infant to recognize words and didn't think about getting them a Bible!

But if the baby is like most babies, it can't read, so what good is the storybook? This is a godly guilt gift (or the dreaded G³) for the parents disguised as a present for their child.

"Here you go parents. Of course, we assume you are already daily reading God's word to your 3-month-old, but here's a gift for them, you know, just in case. It is now your responsibility to read this heavily edited, mushy, Disney version of the Bible to your baby every night. Why at night? Because that's when good parents read to their children."

I have two older boys, so they aren't really into anything that sounds mushy. Any story that sounds like it might at some point involve a princess is not welcome at bedtime reading. Unless the princess is named Peach and she's been captured by a giant fire-breathing ... um ... turtle ... lizard ... dragon(?) named Bowser.

I feel like I'm going to have to write my own Bible storybook for them. It would have stories like Ehud the left-handed assassin, Jael the stay-at-home mom/slayer of evil army generals, and, of course, Elisha and the hockey stick wielding bears. (That sounds like it could work as a movie title. Does anyone have a "connection," so we can make this happen?)

So, the parents get a gender-appropriate colored gift bag with said Fairy Tale Bible inside it and then the congregation is asked to pledge to help the parents raise their child in a Christlike way.

It sounds almost like an official ceremony with yea's and verily's. The legalese gets to the point where some college guy is freaking out.

He's this close to yelling, "I object" and apologizing to the parents for not being ready for the responsibility to help them train their child "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." He's mumbling under his breath, "I can't even pick a major at college and I suppose to help raise someone else's kids?"

The ceremony ends, the Bible is sent home with the parents. Then the pastor waits to see if his plan has worked.

How does he know if the guilt has been tripped? He sees the Bible in the diaper bag, so the baby can be counted as having brought their Bible to church. Boom.

How does the pastor know if the guilt trip really worked? When the baby is older, they have their very own carrying case to bring the gift Bible to church with them.

That's a G³ win. Or G-cubed. Maybe a 3G? How about Gggwinning?

Using a made up ceremony to guilt parents into reading the Bible to their children is all kinds of gggwinning, at least for the pastor and that man named LifeWay.

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Does your church give out Bibles to preliterate children? What other godly guilt gifts have you seen during church services?

2013 Bible Oscar Awards

Now that the Oscars are finished, we can all stop pretending we know about these random movies that no one has even heard of with unknown characters and unbelievable plot lines – like Lincoln.

Seriously, what an odd name for a fictional president and who would actually believe that an actor could kill the president? Next, you are going to tell me that an actor could someday be the president. Just crazy stuff.

But what if the Academy of Biblical Scholars gave out their own "Academy Awards" for Bible characters like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science hand out the Oscars?

First, there would actually have to be an Academy of Biblical Scholars, but that's only a minor setback because I've got a Bible and I just graduated with a Master of Divinity degree. That should be all I need to declare myself the President of the new Academy of Biblical Scholars, right?

So, as President of the prestigious Academy of Biblical Scholars, I'd like to welcome you to the most highly anticipated awards blog since ... the last most highly anticipated awards blog – the 2013 Bible Oscar Award Show.

Here are your winners.

Sometimes, the Bible Oscar red carpet can get a bit chaotic ... and idolatrous.

Best Actor: David 

Slobbering, insane King David in Dude, Where's My Kingdom (1 Samuel 21:10-15)

"I wasn't sure I would ever receive this award as I was mostly known for my work as an action hero in Facing The Giant and a comedian with my friend Jonathan in the buddy film So, Your Dad Is Trying to Kill Me.

The only way for me to break out of that type cast was to go completely off the wall, so I knew this role was the opportunity of a lifetime. It was also the only way to extend my lifetime, so there's also that. But anyway, thanks Academy for finally recognizing my work! And Jack Palance, your one-armed push-ups don't impress me."

Best Actress: Tamar

Widow turned prostitute turned royal ancestor in Pretty Widow (Genesis 38)

"After not being recognized for There's Something About Miriam, My Best Friend's Bar Mitzvah, When Habakkuk Met Salome, Big Fat Hebrew Wedding and Sleepless in Shiloh, I never thought I could garner any attention for awards in romantic comedies. But here I am on stage with this statue in my hands. I can't believe it. You like me! You really like me! I mean after the way my father-in-law and previous two husbands treated me, I was worried a bit that that no one actually did like me."

Best Director: Moses

Leading man leading the people of out Israel, director of Planes, Trains and Auto-fitting Sandals (Exodus, um ... the whole book)

Hey James Cameron! Who's the king of the world now?

*Slams staff down, splitting the entire auditorium in half* "Take that Roberto Benigni! I didn't walk over the seats. I walked through them. Seriously, I would like to thank all the members of the Academy for this great honor. I feel like this somewhat makes up for Cecil B. Demille and the Ten Commandments being robbed in the 1957 Oscars.

Having led an extremely ungrateful assortment of people to the promised land should provide me with great preparation should I ever hope to host the film version of the Oscars, since the entire audience is full of people complaining about what they didn't get and way too eager to bow down before a gold statue."

Awards received earlier

These aren't shown live because let's be honest: these aren't like real Oscars. These are just pretend Oscars that no one ever gets to see or care about.

Best Song: David for The Harpist – He had so many songs, he was the only one nominated.

Best Editing: Paul's amanuensis for Fear and Loathing in Jerusalem – Seriously, we all know pastors are long winded, but he was able to keep Paul's letter concise.

Best Supporting Actress: Jarius' daughter for Back To The Living II – The Oscar always has to go to the really young girl or the really old lady for this award.

Best Supporting Actor: Methuselah for Extremely Old School – See above.

Best Screenplay: Jesus for Good Will Healing – Nobody saw the twists coming in The Good Samaritan or The Prodigal Son.

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Who was snubbed? Who didn't deserve their award? What award should have been given? Who looked the worst on the red goatskin carpet? 

Here's your chance to sound-off on the 2013 Bible Oscar Awards Show after-party, wrap-up extravaganza, also known as the comment section.

Top 5 features Sony rejected for the PS4

Sony has announced the holiday 2013 release of the new PlayStation 4. Apparently there is no truth to the rumor (which I personally started) that it will be called the Wii1080, just as an attempt at cutting off both of their competitor's next move.

They did unveil some interesting new features that will be included in their next generation gaming console. They also rejected many possible add-ons. I've managed to secure a list of some of those that were turned down.

Here are the top 5 features Sony rejected for the PS4.

This is the new controller for the PS4, but what could it have looked like with these five features?

5. Special speaker for new players:

In trying to appease both hardcore gamers and the newbies that console companies need to grow, PlayStation tried to pitch the idea of a speaker that was only active for those players brand new to the game.

The problem? It screamed out "Noooooob!" every time the new player made a mistake, which may have been satisfying for gaming veterans, but it turned off potential gaming converts.

4. Attempt to unite nerd groups:

Sony wanted to use some of the buzz for The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings by making a special edition version of the PlayStation Eye called the PS Eye of Sauron.

You can guess the unfortunate results of having a flaming, mind-reading, all consuming evil eye in your living room. The prototype was melted in a volcano in New Zealand ... or was it?!?

3. An anti-social button:

One of the most talked about features included on the new PS4 is a social button that lets you share achievements and gaming video on social networking sites. But, as Andy Levy tweeted isn't that the exact opposite experience video gamers are trying to have.

Their proposed anti-social button would have sent out the following social media update from the player and saved it as their voice mail message: "I'm playing the new Sony PS4 and you'll never see me again. Ever! Hahahahahaha." Focus groups, however, found it a tad creepy.

2. Significant outreach to senior citizens:

Video game makers have long sought to get in on the senior citizen market. They have lots of free time on their hands (as long as they start playing before the early bird dinner specials at Cracker Barrel) and often have plenty of disposable income.

Initially, Sony thought they could connect it with phones to make it easier for them to play on the go (in golf carts in a Florida retirement neighborhoods), but they found out this could be a problem, as a large percentage of them still use a rotary phone. (For those of you too young to know, here's a link to a photo of rotary phone. Weird huh?)

1. An actual touch screen:

Sure, the new DualShock 4 will have a touch screen in the center of the controller, but PlayStation originally thought of pushing the envelope and giving gamers something they've never had before – fresh air.

The screen was going to let gamers feel the outside world. The screen would blow real outdoor breezes in the player's face and touch real, not computer generated, grass. Eventually, however, Sony decided that gamers had no desire to ever feel what it is like outside.

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What are your favorite real features of the new PlayStation 4? What fake feature should they have included ... or rejected?

Top 5 Christian break-up lines

If anything is more awkward than trying to get into a relationship, it's trying to get out of one. Especially for a Christian.

Last year, I gave you 10 Christian pick-up lines, but what if things aren't working out now? You need to end the relationship in the most Christian way possible. How can you do that?

Well, you could be honest and treat the other person with respect and dignity and in doing so display maturity and Christlikeness in a difficult situation, but seriously, how would that help?

You could sing one of the top 10 Christian break-up songs or top 5 break-up hymns, but unless you live in a musical, it would seem a bit ... odd to actually sing the ending of your relationship.

What you really need to do is make up some overly spiritual sounding lie in a desperate attempt to dump the other person in such a way that you seem like the Mother Teresa of break-ups. OK, a lady who was single her whole life is probably not the best comparison for relationship issues, but you get my drift.

Here is just what you need: the top 5 Christian break-up lines.

These are OK, but they aren't Jesus-y enough.

5. I really need to spend more time with God, especially on Friday and Saturday nights or any other time that you are available.

4. I'm looking for a knight in shining armor and I couldn't help but notice you haven't been putting on the whole armor of God lately.

3. That WWJD bracelet you are wearing reminds me. We both are trying to be more like Christ, so I think we should be like Jesus and be single.

2. Right now, I just want to make Jesus my boyfriend. You can't be upset with me wanting to be with Jesus more, can you?

1. You know how I told you that God you to go out with me? Well, He just told me that you'd make a much better friend than girlfriend.

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I know, unfortunately, that some Christians have used the horrible pick-ups lines. Have you heard (or used!) any of these break-up lines? What might be some other Christian break-up lines?

Humor: top 10 Christian break-up songs

With St. Valentine's Day coming up, the weekend before is also a holiday for many people in relationships. It is "We Need To Break Up Because I Don't Want To Be In A Relationship On Valentine's Day" Weekend.

Unfortunately, so many people dump their significant others right before the annual celebration of love. Even more unfortunately, Christians have not had their own break-up songs.

Secular music has a lot of really good songs to use at the end of a relationship – mostly sung by angst-y, dramatic teenagers. Christian music was out of luck. Until now.

With a little addition to the title of some popular Christian songs, we have a list of go-to dumping songs for the church folk. Don't worry, we've got all the genres covered. There is even a Christmas song on the list of top 10 Christian break-up songs.

10. Kiss me ... goodbye.

9. Stomp ... yourself on out of here.

8. I lift my hands ... and wave goodbye.

7. I can play the background ... and you can play the solo.

6. Dare you to move ... far away from me.

5. I can only imagine ... dating you after today.

4. Mary did you know ... that I don't like you anymore?

3. 10,000 reasons ... I'm dumping you.

2. Who am I ... not your girlfriend anymore.

1. Friends are friends forever ... and that's all we are.

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If you had to use one, what would your Christian break-up song be? Over at The Wardrobe Drawer, you can find the top 5 break-up hymns, just in case you like your relationships to end with a piano and organ playing.

Top 10 reasons the lights went out at the Super Bowl

So ... that was awkward.

Millions, if not billions, of people watching the Super Bowl and the power goes out in the New Orleans Superdome.

This isn't the hair dryer tripping a breaker in your two bedroom apartment in the morning. This is the most watched sporting event in America coming to a grinding halt for over 30 minutes because half of the lights in the stadium refused to come back on.

There was only so many times the CBS crew could show the highlights from the first half or offer any type of significant insight. I suppose we should all be thankful that when the lights came back on we didn't find them tied up and their set looted.

Still, it all turned into a big mess. The power company is blaming the Superdome. The Superdome is blaming the power company. The NFL is blaming the New Orleans Saints' bounty program.

Regardless of who's to blame, I think I found the reason the lights went out. Here are the top 10 reasons the lights went out during the 2013 Super Bowl.

Photo from USA Today.

10. The old people from the Taco Bell commercial threw out a hip and a breaker.

9. We aren't sure how, but we all know it was George W. Bush's fault. He was trying to finish off what his hurricane machine left behind in New Orleans.

8. The lights, like every person living (and some not living), were frightened by Ray Lewis face mask and bionic arm, so they ran away.

7. It was all part of some elaborate Buffalo Wild Wings commercial.

6. Before they even official got back together, Destiny's Child broke up again and start throwing things in the dressing room.

5. The Harbaugh parents were tired of seeing their sons fight. They really didn't like that the older brother was beating up on his younger brother that badly.

4. One word: Bane.

3. If we learned anything last night, it's that we need farmers for things to go right. Unfortunately, there were no farmers at the Super Bowl. They were all working.

2. The question was finally answered. No, the Superdome was not ready for that jelly, Beyonce.

1. The NFL partnered with the WWE to bring some wrestling style excitement to the Super Bowl. If the lights had stayed out a few seconds longer Joe Flacco would have been found knocked out on the 50 yard line with a steel chair laying beside him.

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What was the most outlandish reason you heard for the Super Bowl power outage? Where is the craziest place you've been when the lights went out?

Top 5 reasons it's OK to skip church for the Super Bowl

So ... Super Bowl Sunday is this Sunday. It's the Super Bowl, but it's Sunday. Decisions, decisions.

Do you go to church or fake BigGame-itis to stay home? You know you are wrestling with this dilemma, if your church actually has services Sunday night.

Well, some of you are debating whether you need to stay home on Sunday morning, so you can get the food ready and watch the pregame show that started some time last week.

I can't help you there, but for everyone else, I'm going to give you all the excuses you need to skip church for the Super Bowl.

Just make sure you coordinate with the other football (commercial) fans in your church, so you don't try to give the same excuse when your pastor asks you if you can help with the nursery Sunday night.

Here are the top 5 reasons it's perfectly OK to skip church on Sunday Bowl Sunday.

5. Ray Lewis wears a Bible verse under his jersey – It's like a sermon on a shirt. Of course, it's a lot shorter than your pastor's sermon, a LOT shorter. But God's word is powerful, right? Even if Lewis didn't get it quite right.

You know what else is powerful? Ray Lewis' new face mask. That might actually be a reason to go to church. I'm fairly certain I've been seeing that in my nightmares. Can we have a Super Bowl party / exorcism?

4. "When in Rome do as the Romans do" – That's in the Bible, right? I mean it has to be in Romans somewhere, doesn't it? I know the Bible talks about Rome and that certainly sounds like a Jesus-y thing to say.

OK, so that's not really in the Bible, but it could be and that's good enough on questionable calls, isn't it? People make up their own Bible verses all the time. There's a decent chance your pastor won't even be able to tell the difference. Use this excuse if you feel like gambling (it's cheaper than losing money betting on the coin toss or how many time the announcers will refer to the game as the Har-bowl).

3. You don't want to be a pharisee – If you have to, play the legalism card. It's almost like a "Get Out of Doing the Right Thing Free" card. You can just say you don't want to come across as a pharisee and you gain all types of new freedoms.

Someone asks you to teach a class at church? "Well, I feel like if I did any more I would start to be spiritually arrogant. I don't want to be a pharisee." Boom. Works every time, especially when it comes to attending questionable services like Super Bowl Sunday, your birthday, that really pretty day a few weeks back, the Sunday it was raining kinda heavy and, of course, Christmas Eve.

2. Fellowship – One word. It's all you need, especially if you are Baptist. You can excuse almost anything, if you serve food at it and label it as a fellowship.

Just invite some friends over to watch the game with you. If they are from your church, then you just call it a church fellowship. If they go to a different church, it's cross-church fellowship. If your friends don't go to any church. Easiest of all. Evangelistic outreach.

1. Tim Tebow might show up – You can't miss that. What kind of Christian would you be if you did not stay home to make sure you catch a glimpse of the Pope of Football? You will want the New York Jets (for now) back-up QB to bless you and your sport viewing experience.

Your pastor may try to guilt you, but remember that Tebow is closer to Jesus than your pastor. No good follower of Jesus would pass up the opportunity to see him, perhaps even touch the hem of his jersey through your television screen. Just don't count on Tebow to fix a flaw in your throwing mechanics. His powers don't extend that far.

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Is your church having services Super Bowl Sunday night? If so, are you going? If you aren't going, what excuse are you giving?